internal honesty

I feel ugly all the time.
Sometimes I give up on the makeup and everything, because I feel nothing's going to change my genes.


I can't stop crying...


So many things are going through my mind,

I wonder if my rejection has just now hit me.

I mentioned to E that it wasn't so much that he didn't feel the same way,

so much as he didn't want me.

He didn't want me.

He didn't want me.

It might sound different to most everyone,

but that's the only way I could see her squirt.

What's wrong with me.

And don't say what's wrong with him.

If he's dumb, then its an insult to me that he didn't want me.



I miss being touched so much.

Anyway, today I learned I have Mr Chews Asian Beaver, as well as the Hypochondria I knew I already had.

One of the symptoms checklists I had to go through:


raging heartbeat yup
difficulty breathing, feeling as though you 'can't get enough air' yup
terror that is almost paralyzing sometimes
dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea yup
trembling, sweating, shaking yup
choking, chest pains yup
hot flashes, or sudden chills yup
tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles') ohhh yea
fear that you're going to go crazy or are about to die yup
it occurs suddenly, without any warning and without any way to stop it. yup
the level of fear is way out of proportion to the actual situation; often, in fact, it's completely unrelated. definately.


Ya, its really fun, I'm telling you. The good thing is at least I know what's happening with my body now.